Being Alone, Isn’t Lonely

It’s Christmas Day, a time where families meet up, share presents, get drunk and enjoy each other’s company. 

Well this year, it was just me and my mate Ralphy (The Frenchie) and do you know what, we’ve had a great time. 

Over the course of December, colleagues and friends have been asking me: “ Luke, what are you doing for Christmas this year? Are you going home to your family? You shouldn’t be alone on Christmas day, it’s just not right. 


I love being alone, I love being independent and doing my own thing. Speaking with my therapist and psychiatrist there is a massive correlation between being alone and autism. This must be where it comes from. I hate big social’s especially when people are making a fuss and pretending to be happy and like each other. 

I remember on my 18th birthday, my Mum threw me a little surprise birthday party and I found out and tried everything not to go. 

So, I have a very dysfunctional family.

 

 Mum and I get on really well, she’s spending time with her partner this year, she’s been bloody excellent to me this year, she really deserves to have a great time with him and his family. He’s eastern european, Vitali his name. By the sounds of it, his family is brilliant and especially to my Mum. They’ve really made her part of their family, which is cool and she deserves to be happy. 

 

I don’t have a relationship with my father, met him once, spoke a couple of times, to me he’s nothing but a sperm donor. Which I’m cool with, mistakes happen. I happen to be one of them. I’m 25 and it’s pretty certain that my Mum has played Mum and Dad and I haven’t come out too bad either. 

 

Don’t really speak to any other family either, uncles etc. 

 

We used to have Christmas at my Grandparents, sadly she passed away 3 years ago. So things kinda changed. My Nan was my rock, now we’d probably be watching shit tv and having a laugh, Bomber (my granddad) god knows why we call him that, but its always been that, would be saying: “I cannot wait until this is all over and the horse racing is back on.”

 

I’d say I’m the odd one out of the family, I’ve moved away from Whitchurch, for the opportunity to better myself, where most of them have stayed put, which isn’t a bad thing I’m not slagging that off either I just know Whitchurch isn’t for me. I love my house now in Manchester. Other than my work colleagues, who are the best, pretty much family, I don’t really have many friends in Manchester, which I’m totally okay with too. Sometimes not knowing many people isn’t a bad thing. I just get on with my day, without anyone to answer too. 

 

So, I have friends all over the world, America, Australia, UK, Asia etc. I received messages off a few which is fine. The people who I used to knock about with, knew all my life, nothing. 

 

You could blame me for not messaging them guys first, but it always seems to be me first. This sounds a bit bitchy, but fuck it. 

 

Now I’d do fucking anything for these guys, given them mental support etc, well I couldn’t not I’d hate to someone in the same place as me, but it’s got me thinking, would they do the same to me, when I was going through a rough time recently, I don’t think I had any kind of support messages, but then again it didn’t really bother me. 

 

But, which surprised me the most, I had the most messages from my suppliers in China, which was brilliant and we even had a chat about the current COVID-19 situation in the UK. They all seem to think we’re doing it wrong, which is probably the correct statement. 

 

Does this say much about my ‘friends and family’?

 

Now, I’m a pretty happy, positive guy and I want the best for everyone and I will go out the way to try and support people in any way I can. But I have come to realise that if someone is not willing to do that for me, I don’t want them in my life anymore. 

 

So, I really don’t like Christmas not because I’m a miserable cunt, but because I just don’t like all the fuss for one day. Yeah it’s nice to receive presents, it’s nice to give them too. I’ve always been awkward when I receive gifts. I don’t know why, but I find it hard to show how thankful I am, sometimes my face says different to what I’m actually thinking. But Christmas is just another day for me, I’ve even cleaned the whole house from top to bottom! 

 

So to summarise on Christmas Day 2020, I am not lonely, I just like being on my own. Some people can’t see past it, but that’s their opinion, I guess. 

If anyone reads this then sweet, but I feel better for writing it, it’s a kind of therapy I guess. I’m going to keep doing it, maybe a weekly one. It’s nice to get what’s going on in my head on paper. 

 

Well I hope you have had a good one, take it easy. 

 

LJ x

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